y family have lived in Charlottesville almost one year. In March of 2002 I am not happy. This here in Charlottesville not good. I not understand. I miss my country and my friend. I miss my father. I everytime go to my father's grave at the cemetery in Kandahar, Afghanistan. Now I cannot go to him.

2003 is good. My mother feels better. My English is better. Some English I understand. My sisters and brothers are in school. My sister's English is very much better. Here is no Taliban, no fighting. Here women are outside. In Afghanistan women cannot go outside. Here is snow and rain. In Afghanistan for two years no snow, no rain. It was very hard. Here is much better.

My teacher is very good. It is good to learn English. Halloween and Christmas lights are beautiful! On my street the lights are beautiful. My teacher take me in car to see beautiful Christmas lights! So, so beautiful!

I have a job here. In Afghanistan, men only work. In Afghanistan we open our door and see only wall. The roads are all blocked by big wall. In Afghanistan is guards and guns by big wall. Here it is good. I look out window and door and no wall. I see busy street, no guns, no fighting. I like window-shopping. But many things are very much money. I want a better job. Now I have no insurance, I want insurance.

But I miss you my country. I miss my friends. I miss my father. I want someday to see Kandahar, Afghanistan, again.

am live in Charlottesville almost one year.. In March of 2002 I came to Charlottesville, I am not happy. I not understand. When I first came here, water tastes like bleach. I miss mycountry and my friend. I miss my good water in Afghanistan. I miss my father. In Kandahar, Afghanistan I everytime go to my father's grave at the cemetery. Now I cannot go to him.

Now is good. 2003 is good. My mother is feel better. My sister and brother are in school. My sister's English is very much better. I have a job -- housekeeping at Hampton Inns. I have insurance. Here is not the "Beep! Beep!" everywhere of the cars. Here only sometimes the "Beep! Beep!" In Afghanistan, everywhere, everyday, "Beep! Beep!" Here women are outside. In Afghanistan women cannot go outside. Here is much better. Here is no Taliban, no fighting.

My teacher is very good. It is good to learn English.My English is better. Some English I understand. I want to learn to drive car and get my license. I want a better job. I like to cook.

Stores and churches are beautiful here! But some vegetables and fruits are not the same, not fresh like Afghanistan.

But I miss you my country. I miss my father. I miss my friends. Charlottesville, America is good country.

My son started to go to Day-Care Center in Charlottesville last September. It was the first time for him to stay in an English environment alone. At first he was very excited and happy, because he found many toys in his classroom for three years old children. He didn't listen to the teacher's directions; instead, he just wanted to play with his favorite toys alone. When somebody took away the toy he had been playing with, he just mumbled, "I can let him use it" in Japanese. Nobody understood it except me. He roamed around the room during the circle time when the children in the classroom were supposed to sit down and listen to what others said. He didn't concentrate on a picture book, while a teacher was reading it for him, though reading books in Japanese was one of his favorite activities. Gradually, he became physical. For example, he would dump the toys out of the box again and again like a baby. When a boy took the toy away, he pulled the boy's hair.When he wanted the teacher's attention, he bit her finger. He should have said something before he did such things, but he didn't have his words in English. He was getting frustrated.

Finally, the teachers suggested that he move to the other class for two years old children or one-year-old babies. I was depressed to hear that, and suspected that they might have thought he was a mentally retarded. So I decided to write a letter to the teachers since I was not good at speaking in English. I was afraid of misunderstanding each other. I wrote that he was able to communicate with people properly in Japanese, and asked them to take a long view of his behavior. In the letter, I also thanked the teachers for observing him carefully, though they could have just ignored him.

After this letter, they were very nice and kind enough to make efforts to make him adjust to the class for three years old children. For example, one of them tried to talk to him in both of Japanese and English. She also tried to have one-on-one time with him. Meanwhile, his behavior became much better than before. He began to try to communicate with the child prior to taking physical action, though he still pulls other children's hair sometimes. He also has built a large vocabulary in English. He is about to bloom.

My nationality is Thai. I came by myself to Charlottesville, on Dec 1, 1999, and married on Dec7, 1999, with a professor at UVA. I knew him more than 16 years. He promised to take care of me, if I would go to the United States. When I first got here, I was shocked, because in his house he had an ex-wife and her friends staying with him too. They tried to control me and make me unhappy. It's very sad. He tried to deport me back to my country, because we were not happy. He didn't want me to stay in his house. And I didn't have any place to stay. I didn't have family or any friends in this country, but I prayed with my God to take care of me. I told myself, "Life is not easy." If I want to go on, it does not matter about the obstacles and hindrances. I need to be strong and fight with my problems. I decided to get away from them, and I didn't want them to control me anymore.

The first step I took, was to go to school to study the English language. AFter I stayed at his house about seven weeks, I left them to find a job. I moved to Maryland to look for a job. I just wanted to find place to stay, and money to buy food, or buy a ticket to go back home. Do you know how I came to move to Maryland? I met a woman from Thailand; she sat down beside me on the airplane. We had a long talk, before she left; she gave me her telephone number to call her when I had a problem. I did call her and tell her I had a problem. She took me to meet her friends, and found a job.

My first job was babysitting. I took care of three kids and an old person (she is the mother of the owner the restaurant) and I also had to clean the house too. I worked there all day, and in the evening I worked at the restaurant. No days off and not enough money. I told myself "I didn't want to stay like this." I wanted to go to school. I found another job. It was the same as the first job. She interviewed me and told me that I could go to school. After I had worked with her, she treated me badly. I felt like a slave. I found a third job. I took care of one kid and cleaned house. My boss has a big company. He promised me, I can go to school or go to church. I have Freedom. But I left again. Because my boss started talking to me that he wasn't happy with his wife, and I knew this would be a problem for me if I stayed there. I told myself, if I want to stay here it is supposed to be legal. I decided to go back to Charlottesville and fix my situation. I knew it would be hard times for me. But I made my goal and fought for myself, and took care my problems. I had a lot of proboems. I could not sleep, had bad dreams, cried a lot, worried, was homesick, felt lonely, sad and depress. I had a hard time to speak or communicate with people, because my English language was very poor and I had a difficult time to find a job. I needed to learn the American way of life, find food to eat, keep my body warm, because I came from a hot country. It's very important to me to be strong and healthy. I told myself everyday "My life will change and get better tomorrow." This was small part about my problem has change.

Today I have a good job. I work at Wachovia Bank. They have good benefits. I also have a degree in accounting from National Business College and Technology, and I am still taking ESL class. I learn how to build up my credit byt buying a brand new car with no miles on it. I got a computer from Dell, and financed it, to help my credit. Now, I have someone who cares about me, helps me, and to share my life with. When I have the opportunity, I will share my life and help people who come from another country. If they have problems, I will tell them to be strong and never give up. One day you and I will get a reward, a rich life.f

was eighteen years old, a senior, and a few months away from graduation. I always tried hard in school, but I always got bad grades. I had a very hard time focusing in school, so I decided to drop out. I made a bad choice and because of that, I'm having a hard time finding a job to support my kids.

So, I have entered this program to make a better life for me and my girls. My intentionsare to get my GED and learn some computer skills which will help me in my job search. My kids meant the world to me, and they are what makes me strive to do better in life. I feel that my going back to school would be a big step in the right direction for me and my girls.

My seniro year of high school I went to school caring about something a little more important than graduation. I was thinking about a little child that was living inside of me. I had so much on my mind that I could hardly think of anything else. I had walked around school seeing girls my age carrying babies and I thought about all the nasty things people said about them; I did not want people talking about me like that.

When I told one of my so called best friends what had changed in my life, I saw the look that she gave me. I knew that everyone in my high school and in the county would find out that I was pregnant by the end of the day. Sure enough, by the end of the afternoon when it was time for me to get on the bus, everyone I had known was whispering about me behind my back and laughing about the new girl who had been stupid enough to get herself pregnant.

The whole ride home I could not look anyone in the eyes. I felt like I was an alien to everyone. I kept thinking about the way things had changed so drastically in just a couple of hours. I did not want to spend the rest of the school year with the looks, talking, alughing, and gossip.

When I got home I went straight to my bedroom to wait for my boyfriend to get home. I kept running over everything that I was going to say in my head, but when he got home the only thing that I could do was lay on his shoulder and cry like the little child that I was carrying inside of me. He held me while I cried telling me that what ever the problem was we could get through it if we trusted ourselves. When I calmed down enough to talk, I told him what had happened and what my concerns were about going back to school. He told me that what ever I decided he would stand behind me one hundred percent.

I stayed in my bedroom for a long time thinking and praying that I would make the right decision. I had other family members and friends that talked to me, but I knew that this was a decision that I would have to make all on my own.

The next morning when I went into the kitchen my family and my boyfriend (now my husband) were waiting for me to tell them what my decision was.

Since I am writing this paper, I think that everyone one can figure out what my decision was. I sometimes think that I made the right decision at the time, but now that I have two children and another one on the way and I am taking the GED classes, I find that maybe I should have thought a little bit harder about staying in school.

hen I was twenty years old, my first daughter was born. I at the time was not working, but knew I needed to find a job quickly so I could take care of her. For the first few months it was hard getting up late at night, taking care of my daughter, and getting up to go to work was even harder. But over the next few months, things got better. Work was a little easier and taking care of my daughter became fun watching her grow and walk and also trying to talk for the first time.

Work made it hard to see my daughter sometimes because I would come home late and she would be asleep or I left early and she was still asleep when I went to work. The only time I had with her was on the weekends and in the winter when I was off from work. Then I could spend more time with her, listen to my daughter talk, watch her when she walks, and hear when she laughs. Months went on and my daughter grew up to be a very nice and well-mannered young lady. She is now in school doing well reading, writing, and playing with friends as well. She now has a little sister who loves her a lot. Raising my second child is easier because I have learned a little more about raising kids and it's not much different than raising my first daughter. The both of them like to play together, sing, and also talk with each other.

Work is about the same. In the summer I stand outside controlling traffic, making the other people I work with safer. I still come home late at night and some times my kids are asleep, but on weekends we get up early and eat breakfast together. I also talk to them and we play games all together. This has been a good change in my life. Growing up myself I never planned to have kids, but I am glad I did because now I can't see my life without them.

would like to relearn what I have forgotten. It's been a long time since I have been to school. God has blessed me. I can read most of the newspaper, my mail, bills, and most of all the Bible. I thank God for that. I would like to get better. I am forgetting a lot of things. I am getting older, and I expect to forget some things. I am not trying to be a college student.

I worked for forty years in the school cafeteria. I stopped work to take care of my mother until the end. I am now taking care of foster children, and doing daycare. I also took care of my uncle and cousin.

Now I want to do something for myself. I raised two beautiful children. They have a good education. I told myself they must be better educated than me. I still have one in med school. She will soon be finished. It has been a long haul.

I go to the nursing home every Tuesday to volunteer. That gives me a lot of joy. I just love doing for people.

My daughter gave me a nice computer. Now I need to learn how to work with it. This is why I think this program can help me.

I dropped out of school and got an apartment which was a bad idea at my age and inexperience. I let my brother move in with me which was another wrong turn. Not that I don't love my brother, but he was a thief. He ran up my bills so high that I couldn't pay them. Since I was watching his kids and my one instead of working, I lost my job. I found out that my brother was stealing and selling the stuff out of my apartment. So, I finally listened to my mother and moved back with my mother. I got pregnant by a man I loved and thought loved me. That didn't work out, but my mom accepted me anyway. She helped me and my children.

I go to class now and I'm starting to get my life together. There are hard lessons to learn in life and everyone must learn them whether they are the hard way or the easy way. Through all of it, one thing I will always remember -- Moms are a blessing and never underestimate them.

I speak and write fluent Pashto, Dari, Arabic and Persian and I hold a law degree from Cairo University. However, if my English language is fluent, I expect to find many opportunities for work with international organizations. Moreover, I am now a permanent resident of the United States, and since language is part of a culture, there is no doubt that learning English will help me understand American culture and customs and is necessary for communication and exchanging opinion with English speakers.

I am originally from Afghanistan, and I would like to return someday to promote the process of nation building. My home country has been facing many difficulties and challenges in the past 23 years. So the country needs educated people to rebuilt it. When I graduate from law school, I will be able to help Afghanistan law systems.

I think that the Afghan people need help in all fields especially the legal and legislative field. I hope to help improve the legal system and improve human rights in Afghanistan. The Afghan people had fought for a long time to liberate the homeland from the Soviet Union and received help from the international community. After liberation, a civil war continued for more than one decade and Afghanistan received no attention from the international community. Since September eleventh, the international community is paying attention to Afghanistan again, so I believe it is a good time for me to assist in rebuilding the country.

Regarding my financial situation, I am now unemployed and my English language is not enough for me to get a good job. I also need to spend most of my time studying the language, and my income will not be enough to pay the tuition fee.

Thinking that I was an adult, but merely a child, I felt I was ready to give birth to a baby -- only to realize that I would be facing an enormous challenge. Finally, the big event came and I became pregnant. Pregnancy! What a challenge! When you are a child and pregnant, you experience many obstacles. Some include uncomfortable exams, pain in different areas of the body, sickness, and feeling nauseous. Having to face such changes, I asked myself, "What have you done?" As time progressed, I gained weight and my belly became enlarged. Things seemed to be getting worse. I couldn't sleep on my belly anymore. The baby began to kick all the time. I began to cry all of the time. For two reasons: (1) the baby's father wasn't around to help comfort me, and (2) I wondered how I would care for a child when I was only a child myself.

Finally, my ninth month came and I gave birth to a healthy son. My son looked to me for love, nourishment, encouragement, and all other things a child needs to have a healthy and prosperous life. As time went on and my child got older, I realized that public assistance wasn't enough money to provide for a child. At this point in my life, I was headed for a life of destruction that always led to death or prison. I began to sell drugs to provide for my son. Money began to come quickly and things seemed lovely. We were able to go on trips and go shopping on a regular basis. Unlike before, when I was receiving public assistance, I was also able to afford transportation for my child and myself. I thought that this was the life, making money the fast way. Was I in for a rude awakening! I was arrested for distribution of cocaine and sentenced to three years in prison away from my son. As I sat within the four walls, I thought to myself, "What have I done?" Why did I choose to live a life of destruction, when I knew all along what would happen to me and my son? It was when I reached the prison cell that I realized I needed a career. I then decided to enroll in a G.E.D. class and a Building Maintenance class. I also participated in several programs and surrounded myself with positive people. I said, "Arlene, education is what you need to succeed!"

To conclude, life has brought me many challenges and at first, I chose to handle them in many negative ways, until I was sent to prison. It was then that I decided to succeed with education and set forth goals to accomplish to provide a prominent and victorious life for my son and me.

Prison has enabled me to deal with life challenges and triumph even in difficult times. Most of all, I established an excellent relationship with God and my son.

There was not enough love either. My whole life I grew up wondering why I never felt love or why my mother never showed me love. I would always try to do things to please her, just so I could hear her say, "I'm proud of you" or "I love you." However, all I ever got was abuse and called names, but mostly beaten for nothing. Therefore as years passed, I started telling myself that I was nothing, because this is what I constantly hyeard. I heard it so much that I quite school in the ninth grade.

I started talking to guys; then I started having sex. There were not too many guys in my life through my teenage years. Then I met a guy that showed me love and was always there for me through anything. Therefore I told myself, "Hey, this is the guy for me." This person will free me from the hell that I am going through. And because of the way my mother always treated me I had to find a way to leave that place where I wasn't getting the love that I needed. Therefore, I decided to let him in on the abuse that was going on in my life. After that, I found out I was pregnant. Once I had my baby, we found a little one-bedroom apartment.

I thought I had found someone who really loved me. Therefore by the time I was 21, I had three girls and a bigger home. I thought love would last forever, but as time went by things started to change, especially the man that I thought would be with me forever. As months went by, he started staying out all night. He did not have money to pay bills. It seemed that everything was wasting away. After that, I found out that he had a baby by an 18-year-old girl. That tore my whole world apart. Here is this man I thought would love me forever, and I found out that he did not really love me either.

Now, here I am lost again, alone without love. The love that I had really turned out to be nothing. So out of my pain and hurt I turned to alcohol, drugs, and parties, hoping that maybe these things will take the pain away. And it did for a little while until the high was gone. After that, the pain and hurt was still there. Through my pain and hurting I realized that my children were hurting too, because they had lost the only mother that they once knew. But by my being high all the time, I never thought that I was hurting them. I always used to give them the best. I came to realize that giving them the best would be being the mother that they once knew.

What this story is all about is looking for love in all the wrong places; but at that time I didn't know where to look. No one had ever told me about Jesus, and how much he loves me, but today, I can gladly say that I have found the Lord. God has filled my life with so much love and joy. Now I did not have to go looking for love. He is always right here with me because He lives in me. I can truly say, because God lives, I can face tomorrow. I know that He will carry me through each day. I never knew love until I found Jesus. I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me.

I pray for all the people that have been hurt in life and think that no one loves them. I pray that they will find the Lord and allow God to work in their lives and give them the love that only comes from God. I want to thank God for loving me and keeping me through all the years of darkness. Glory be to God, the love of my life.

First, I fell on some chemicals on the floor, so I did not work the next day. I lay in bed the next day, trying to get myself together. I put my pack of cigarettes in the corner of my bed so it would be easy for me to reach. During this time, I spotted an old earring that I had never seen before. As I went to reach for my cigarettes, I saw something shining. My heart started beating fast, I knew it was a blade. So I used the old earring that I saw to try to slide it out, but I couldn't, so I had to keep sliding it up and down to get it out. There it was -- a blade from a double-headed pencil sharpener. The way I handled this situation was I stayed calm and reported it. However, I knew in my mind it was a set-up.

Another challenge came to me about two weeks after the first incident. This other person had lied about me to get out of the building that we both lived in. I knew this person wanted out of the building; everyone knew what she wanted to do and that she would do anything to get out. I also do not associate with this person. But this person associated with the same person who had an obsession for me. I had no idea this person would try to use me. Then I put my thoughts together and I knew the obsessed person had a lot to do with this person lying about me. Even though I was angry and hurt, I continued to keep my head up, because in my heart I know I didn't do anything, and I felt that I didn't deserve this type of punishment. These individuals try everyday to get at me or to make me mad. Nevertheless, I know I must keep a clear mind regardless of what challenges I face.

The way I handle my challenges and changes today is to let God handle them and let go. He is in control. I must keep self-control and, most of all, keep a positive mind and do what is best for me. I must remember that the hole someone digs for you is one that they dig for themselves.

hould I hurt; should I feel pain?
Should I feel ashamed?
Have I disgraced my family's last name?
Should I cry; should I tell a lie?
I feel like it, as time goes by!

Should I want to go back in time
Just to change the crime,
So that the flashbacks can stop playing on my mind -- (sometimes?)
Knowing that I can't, should I faint?
I see it in my dreams and even when I blink!

I try to paint a pretty picture over the horrible scenes,
But it doesn't help the horrible dreams, it seems!
I used to have a window where I could see the stars.
Now I just look at bars! No windows -- just walls --
It's so hard not to let my head drop or my tears fall

Should I not feel this way --
That I didn't do any crimes?
That I should not be sitting here doing time
For someone else's stupid crimes?
Not my crime -- doing the time -- losing my mind!

Should my heart be full of fear, because I am here?
Why won't my mind just get clear?
Every memory brings a tear,
Should I wonder how long this is going to last?
And will I ever be able to let it go or stay in my past?

We are taught as children to trust in our parents, trust in ourselves, and trust in God. It sounds like a very simple task and yet...

My stepfather was abusive. The word "abuse" alone causes alarm, even in adults. So try, if you will, to put yourself in the situation of a young girl being physically, mentally, and sexually abused. That became the norm of my life. Even through the suffering and confusion I encountered, I was still trying to raise and protect my two brothers. I was called names (some, I didn't know the meaning of) and a lot of times I went hungry. But I was determined that my two brothers would not experience the awful things that were happening to me.

Consider yourself a ten-year-old child and your mother sends you to the store for bread. It's dark outside, but she tells you to go out the back way. You know there is no lights out back, but she's your mother, and you trust her judgement, right? You do as you are told and one of her friends (a male who is a known drug dealer), who was inside the house when you left, approaches you and claims taht your mother has asked him to speak to you. He takes you to his vehicle where he then takes your body. Screaming, terrified, and in pain, you run back to your house. You are running towards comfort and security...you think. To your surprise, the guy is at your house when you arrive. He is at the front door, handing your mom a package. You learn that she had sold you, her daughter, for drugs.

Time goes by, and abuse continues at home. Your aunt takes you, an eleven-year-old, to a party. There's drinking and drugs at the party and you don't fit in, but no one is bothering you. She tells you she's going out for a minute, but her friend will make sure you're okay. You've been safe all evening and not given a choice, so you remain seated on the sofa. About ten minutes later you are grabbed by the throat and forced to the floor. You are raped and then repeatedly kicked by steel-toed boots in your privates. A gun is inserted first in your mouth and then in your privates with the threat that you will be killed if you ever tell.

The child in the horror story above is me. Of course, I never told the events that took place that night. Time told its own story. Nine months later I gave birth to a baby girl. She is the blessing of that night.

More recently, I've gone through another change. This one hasn't been as traumatic. For fifteen years I kept all of this inside, blaming myself for all that has happened. I was cheated out of my childhood, and now I have a daughter who looks very much like her father, a rapist. I've grown to love my daughter and to love myself. I have forgiven those who have violated me, even though I have not forgotten the violations. I have moved on, married, and have given birth to four more children. I can now look in the mirror and be proud of the reflection smiling back at me. That person is beautiful, and I love her.

Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, and the romance in a relationship and find out you still care for that person. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone, who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be, and you have to let go. If you still feel you can go on, never say you don't love a person any more if you can't let go.

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on the porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had. It is true that we do not know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we do not know what we have been missing until it arrives. Love comes to those who still hope, although they have been disappointed...to those who still believe, although they have been betrayed...to those who still need to love, although they have been hurt before...and to those who have the courage and faith to build trust again. Giving someone all you love, is never assurance that they will love you back! Do not expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their hearts...but if it does not, be content that it grows in yours.

There are things you would love to hear that you would never hear from that person whom you would like to hear from...but don't be deaf as not to hear if from the one who says it from their hearts. Never say goodbye if you still want to try...never give up, it only takes a minute to crush someone...and a day to love someone...but it takes a life time to forget someone.

Do not go for looks, for looks can be deceiving...Do not go for wealth, because even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it only takes a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

There are moments in life that you miss someone so much that you just want to pick him or her from your dreams and hug them for real! Hope you dream of that special someone. Dream what you want to dream...Go where you want to go...Be what you want to be...because you have only one life, and one chance to do all the things you want to do. Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts, then it will probably hurt the other person. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck a life. A loving word may heal and bless.

Everything went well in preschool. I didn't start acting out until my mom started dating her new boyfriend. My mom's boyfriend had found a house for us to stay in. I thought that it was the most wonderful thing in the world. We moved to Hampton, Virginia, to a neighborhood called Park Place.

I started attending Robert E. Lee Elementary School, and boy, did I stay in trouble! In kindergarten I got kicked out of school for fighting. All through elementary school I was getting put out for fighting. I got put off the school bus several times for fighting, also.

I was a scared little child, because I was getting molested and too scared to tell my mom. So there was no other way except for me to act out with fighting. Living in Park Place, I had no choice but to fight back, because if I didn't, I would get my butt whipped.

There were plenty of times that I came in the house crying because someone had whipped me. My mom would put me right back outside and tell me, "If you come in the house crying again behind someone who whipped your butt, I am going to beat you." Mom said, "If you can't beat them, pick up a stick and beat them."

When I started Lindsay Junior High School, I was a full-blown bully! I would skip school and the times that I skipped school, I would walk down the hallways beating people up. I was taking my anger out on the wrong people. At that time I didn't care, because I wanted others to feel the way I did -- miserable. I always said the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

At home, my mom would get sick and go to the hospital and leave us there with her boyfriend. Boy, did I hate that! I would cry because I didn't want to be left in his care. I was about nine years old when I started getting molested/raped, but in all reality, I believe it started before then. For some reason I can't remember and maybe it's for the best.

He would come into my room and start kissing me, and I mean he would actually put his tongue down my throat. Then he would enter me. He would always tell me to be quiet and not to say anything. All I could do was cry. I felt so dirty. I would scrub my body until I felt clean. I never felt clean, though.

I always felt my mother knew what was going on, but she was just too scared to say anything. We were both scared of him. I felt so alone and as though I couldn't talk to anyone. I finally told my mom what was going on and asked her not to tell him, because he said he would beat the "hell" out of me if I told. She told anyway and, yes, he did beat me severely.

I called my grandmother's house to tell them what had happened. My aunt called Social Services and the Police. I was removed immediately. My mother's boyfriend couldn't come anywhere near me. I didn't press charges, because I didn't want to hurt my mother. I loved her that much that I kept all the hurt and pain inside of me. All I ever wanted was to hear my mom tell me that she was sorry for what happened.

Still to this day, we can't talk about it, because it always turns into an argument, but I still love my mother unconditionally. She's the only mother that I have. I know deep down inside that we will one day be able to tal to each other before it's too late.

The probate medical records of the medical department at the facility where I was housed informed me that I was HIV positive. This meant that my immune system was susceptible to infections and perhaps other diseases.

I initially experienced a form of denial so paramount that I ignored all precautions. Back then, there was more ignorance and stigma regarding the disease. In some cases that still holds true today.

I, myself, had many misconceptions about HIV. Via the media, rumors and other forms of misinformation, I, like others, had generalized, and had been conditioned to believe that HIV was a gay man's disease. I was convinced that I was being punished for a promiscuous lifestyle. I believed every negative form of information that I'd ever heard.

From that I became reckless and lived with an "I don't know, nor do I wish to know" attitude. I would not, could not, come to the realization of having contracted a life-threatening disease for which there is no cure.

The feelings of guilt, shame, and an unhealthy fear kept me ignorant. I lived in a fog of delusion for three years. I refused to share my pain with friends or family.

I was complacent with my denial. It protected me from a harsh reality. Little did I know that my loved ones would accept my plight and be supportive. I was doing more damage to myself than was the virus.

I encountered a woman who at the time was suffering with full-blown AIDS. This woman was the first individual in whom I confided. She looked and calomly said, "So." I was livid. I thought, "Where is her compassion? "Where is the shock?" I felt that my confession deserved some reaction.

She went on to express to me her condition. She told of how a simple task such as showering tired her to a point she had to nap. She allowed me to view the many lesions that covered her torso. This woman shared with me the worst of what my condition could develop into if I remained in my oblivious state of mind. She became a positive influence and an example of strength and endurance. She became my hero.

I began to experience at metandia. All negative thoughts and feelings were replaced with a sense of gratefulness and self-storage. I began to think differently about myself.

That all happened twelve years ago. Since then, I've educated myself (and others) about HIV and AIDS. I no longer have the haughty demeanor I once possessed; nor do I dwell in a stupor of self pity. I no longer relate hurt, guilt, and shame with having the virus. Because of this woman, I experienced a renewal of my heart and mind. Today, I can say that I am truly blessed.

When I was young, I was given all the love a young girl could be given. When I got older, the love left and I started going down the wrong road. The road I went down caused me to become so angry inside, that the only way I knew how to cover up that hurt was through fighting.

At the age of eighteen, my fighting turned into violence. I got my first charge at the age of eighteen for malicious wounding. By the time I had gotten this charge, life was starting to blossom. The beginning of a new life was starting. I was finally starting to realize that I had to let go of all the anger, guilt, shame, and feelings of being let down.

Two weeks after my nineteenth birthday, I was sentenced to three years and two months in the state penitentiary. That's when I knew that Mercole had to change her way of living. No, it didn't take this situation to change; it took the way I was living to change me.

When I was starting my time, I had a lot of issues that I had to deal with. I took it one day at a time to clean up my act. Slowly, but surely, I started changing. I started to accept things I couldn't change and appreciate things that did change. Changing all my negatives into positives made me have a very appreciative attitude.

Since I've been incarcerated, I have done some things to improve myself. I have taken Anger Management, tried to pursue my GED, and taken Heating, Ventilation and Air Conditioning (HVAC), and have sung in the choir. Those are just a few of the improvements in my life. I am proud of my accomplishments, but there's always some goals I would like to achieve.

I've also changed my communication with people, because people can sometimes bring on negativity. I learned to be around people who wanted something out of life that could help them live a prosperous life.

With life in the palm of your hand, I can tell you that down the road just a little further are all your hopes and dreams. Stay on the narrow road to your destiny! Tomorrow's dreams are today's changes.

I still have a long way to go, but I know He is working in my life and through others. In the past, my attitude and outlook were so negative and I experienced bad situations, first one and then another back then, and all I could do was fall on my knees and pray to God. When I had called on Him, He was already there beside me in these bad, stressful situations. I am becomingly increasingly positive as my new life goes on. In addition, since I have been in prison, I have been blessed by learning to have a daily talk with my personal Savior, who is Jesus Christ. He has given me strength and courage.

I am becoming wiser through all my trials and tribulations. Now that I have found Him again in my life, I believe that I am being carried by Him. I do not think I could have made it this far without Him. I know miracles happen for a reason in my life, but each day I never noticed them. It's a miracle that my life is still going on for me. My eyes are wide open to see all the things I had been missing.

Even when I was growing up, I stayed in a lot of fights and trouble with the police, but now all that is behind me, and it is history. Now I thank God each and every day for waking me up every morning. God has been my hero and always has been since the beginning. Truly, He lets me wake up to see another day. I can trust Him to talk to me when I am down and out, and He has given me so many chances in life. I believe everything is for a reason, and that is why I am here in prison today. God put me here to find Him again and to open my eyes to the right road. Now that I have found the right track, I hold on to the promised hand of God.

Now that I have served almost 12 years of my life in prison, I thank God for the opportunities everyday. Now that God has given me new strength to live a better year in 2003, I am planning to live it from day to day. Now I am sitting free from my bondage here at FCCW. God has shown me that I am "somebody" in His life and mine, too.

What if you saw things the opposite way or the flip side of what everybody saw?

What if you read a book, magazine and/or letters from back to front instead of front to back?

What if your school work, letter writing, etc. just didn't sem to go the right way and no one could understand what you were writing or saying?

I used these questions too repeatedly for myself. I would wonder if I was crazy like they said I was. I would wonder if I would be able to learn anything. It seemed as though I was going through more in school than what I was going through at home.

I found out later in life that I have a communication disorder called Dyslexia. It has been a very long, rough road for me to figure out this disorder. I was called all kinds of names and have been insulted, because at that time, I could not quite get it together the way other people wanted me to. So, I dropped out of school and started playing school at home with my family. I would try to see what they saw and learn what they knew. I cannot include my cursive writing in this paper, but I will show it in typed form. I used to take a sheet of paper, put it over top of something that had been written, and I traced it. That is how I learned to write like this. In the beginning, it would cause me to have bad headaches when I wrote like this (left to right instead of right to left.) Here is an example of how I would prefer to write.

What I just wrote is: Writing like this is stimulating to my brain. Because I have this disorder, I have to go a little slower than others do. That does not make me a slow learning, though. I have to allow time to analyze what I see and then flip it the way it is supposed to be.

I am currently incarcerated and it is part of my treatment program that I attend school to get my GED.

Oh Boy! Here I go again. I said to myself, "I am already scared because of what I had to go through in public schools, and now they want me to attempt it again."

Okay! I will go back to school. It did not last more than a couple of days. I left and I didn't tell my instructor why because I didn't want him to look at me funny or think what those other teachers thought of me. However, I had to go back to school, because I would not be able to get a good progress report if I did not go. Therefore, I took a chance. I told my instructor what was wrong with me, and he told me to give him a week. After a week in class, I didn't feel,e he said he would excuse me from class. I then had to also let my tutor know what my condition was. It went well, but it was kind of scary in the beginning. I started thinking and feeling that it really didn't make any difference to him that I see things backwards.

When it came to taking the TABE Test, I went from a 6.4 to an 8.8 to a 9.4 reading level, and now my spelling is a 12.0 grade level. Because of my instructor and my tutor I do not feel awkward about my disorder, and I am not afraid to learn. This has been a challenging experience for me. Nobody is able to "down talk" me now and make me feel like I am nothing. As far as my education, I am going to get everything I can. I am more determined than ever to get what I should have had many years ago. This now another challenge to me.

rack Cocaine had me so bad I thought
I was going insane.
The high did not last.
I needed another blast.

Therefore, I stole from my mother
Just to get another.

Crack Cocaine had me where I did not
Even have a home,
So I roamed and roamed.
Crack Cocaine took my hopes and dreams;
I had nothing to live for; that is the way it seemed.

Crack Cocaine made me sell my body.
I never thought I would go that far -- not hardly.

I did just about anything to get a hit.
Only God knows why I was doing those things to turn tricks.
I stole from others and myself as well,
And I even told lies that I normally wouldn't tell.

October 31, on Halloween, I looked out of my window.
Cops were everywhere and I screamed.
They handcuffed me that day
And took me away.

WOW! If I only knew then what I know now.

Heavenly Father, help me, I complained.
My girls held their heads down in shame.
They had tears in their eyes; I wanted to die
When I looked back and they waved good-bye.

That no good bitch that they call crack --
She always had me coming back.

Crack Cocaine got me two years in prison,
And she took my family, not to mention.
However, little does she know she gave me time
To think and get strong.
N, I am not singing the same old song.

My parents are now taking care of my girls
So they do not go lacking.
Damn! All because I tried crack.

Crack Cocaine, you're not all that, <>br> Because this time I am not coming back.

I have been in a prison most of my life. Physically, I was not allowed to be a child. I was made to perform womanly duties, such as taking care of my younger brothers and sister, cooking, cleaning and being made to give up my virginity before the thought of sex or love ever crossed my mind. My attitude, thoughts and dreams began to change. I felt like a piece of trash. I even dreaded getting dressed or bathing. I hated everything and almost everybody. My heart became hardened. I refused to feel anything or even look in a mirror.

Being an abused child caused me to give up on life. It wasn't until 1996, when I joined a support group while serving a twelve-month sentence, that I began to want to better myself and somehow be set free from my childhood prison. I began to relax. I started to let go of all the abuse I had faced little by little. For the first time, I started looking in the mirror without regret, tears, or fear. I realized I had to try to let go of the emotional, physical, sexual and mental abuse along with some of my fear.

It is seven years later now, and I am still in prison -- an emotional prison. I have two girls that God blessed me with in 1988 and 1989. My girls and I have always had a close relationship. I love them with all of my heart, as I know they love me. I am serving a five-year sentence now. I have already served three years. It has been three years of pure hell. I have not seen my girls since I have been incarcerated. I have spoken with them once. I used to write them every week faithfully. For the past eight or nine months, I have continued to write them, make things for them, and send them cards.

I still have not heard from my girls. My insides feel empty. I survive each day with the echo of them that's planted in my mind , saying, "I love you, mommy." I feel as though I am walking around with haof of a heart, because they have the other half. I do not know how they are doing or if they are receiving any of my mail. I remember receiving a letter from Antiequa. As I began to read about how her grandmother was beating her with a clothes hanger, after first calling her names and making fun of how she dresses, I immediately went back to my emotional lock down. I blocked everything and everybody out. I was a complete statue in school. My focus was in the twilight zone. I wanted to reach out to my baby to hold her and let her know that she would be okay. I never want them to experience prison of any kind.

That is when reality hit me. I am in prison. I cannot see her; I cannot embrace her. I am no good to her now at all. I prayed and asked God to give me the words of comfort that she needed to make it through her sentence. I felt as though I had made the right choice by leaving them with their grandmother. Now I am thinking that I am not so sure. It seems as if we are both in our own prison.

Being distant from them has caused me to fall back in my schoolwork. I used to stay stressed out, and my blood sugar started to rise. I have even had to make several mental health appointments to get a grip on myself. There are times when I feel like giving up. I want to fight and scream. I just want to be free!

It is 2003, and I have had to force myself to stop worrying about my girls and what they may be going through. It is very hard for me to do because they are the people who make my life complete. I cannot wait to be released, so I can set my baby free.

Scenario: Let's say I win the lottery for 2 million dollars and decide after the government garnishes everything I owed them over the last five years, I want to treat myself to all the luxiries life has to offer me. Now 5 years after winning and spending just about all of my money, I realized that I forgot about saving and investing a little something. I figured I was kind of wealthy, so I felt there was no reason to work or even further my education for that matter. Now where does that leave me?

The present and the future is ours for the taking you can say. It doesn't really matter the situation, because failure is really a choice. So life is not like a box of chocolates as Forrest Gump said, because it's really up to you to inspect each one, so you'll know what to expect. To me life is really like a word problem, the only difference is that you don't always get the right answer. But with you making good decisions, eventually your turn at prosperity will come.

So my advice to you is be your own detective, always investigate the outcome and consequence of every situation no matter tyhe size. Because every decision you make down to the smallest thing, like what kind of toilet paper you use can be a very crucial one. An old friend of mine always used to say: "Never dive in head first, without finding out the depth of the water, even if you can swim." My friend helped me realize that althought he road will be rough sometim4es, we have the tools to smooth out the pavement. I can go on and on about making decisions but the truth is that you have the power. So the next time someone asks you for advice, give them what you can, but don't forget to say: "It's your decision -- don't take my word for it."

I have a real hard time accepting anything that I don't understand. Knowing that I don't understand something it makes me wonder what's going on to happen or what's being done with the situation in hand.

Please, don't get me wrong. I try very hard to make myself understand what I'm able to do in what ever is needed. When I'm not able to understand something that's when I turn to God for help. There is a lot of times that it's not meant for me to understand and when it is God shows me how to do just that by accepting it.

Some opf things that I have to accept without understanding would be how the Department of Corrections Office does with the rules. How they made everyone cut their hair, pay for the medical appointments even though you or I do not have any help from the outside, how they only pay twenty-three cents an hour. Let me go on with the Parole Board and how they run the rules. The Department of Corrections allows people to sit in prison forever and a day even though most of the inmates do what they are told to do, and the ones that show off and keeps getting into all kinds of trouble are the ones the Parole Board lets out.

Now lets go with the prison itself and how they run things. I really have to accept without understanding most of what the prison does with different things. There's not much that I can do about that cause it leaves me powerless in what they do or say to any of the inmates. Well let's see what they do. Whenever someone does something wrong the whole prison has to pay for it. Alright not all the time, but most of the time. Only God knows that iis so hard for someone to accept it when you do not have anything to do with it or know about it. The officersthink that they can talk to inmates any kind of way and has to be alright unless you show off and then you will get into all kinds of trouble for saying what's on your mind. There is so much stuff that I myself can say about the prison and officers that I have to accept if I ever want to do right so I'm one of the ones that will be able to go home and never come back to a place that is like that. I can go on and on with a lot of things that I have to accept without understanding and when I have to do that I turn to the good Lord above for all His help.

About the good Lord up above and how he helps me to accept the things that I do not understand. He gives me all the strength to do what is needed to be done and if its not to be for me to understand it then he gives other things to understand. Like I'm not alone in here or even when I go home that he will always be there for me and to help me to understand. There is a lot that the good Lord up above does for me, and with him on my side I'll be able to accept anything without understanding it.

I want to thank you for taking the time to read my essay!

Some say because I've always been so spoiled being made to wait seems like it doesn't apply to me and honestly I feel sometimes I shouldn't have to. I'm now learning that in life it will be a great deal of times that I will have to wait for something. Another thing that is also helping me deal with my patience is my incarceration time. I have accepted that I will have to complete my sentence, being patient and holding on to my faith, caliming the victory eases me. While sitting here writing this essay lets me know that I am growing with my struggle in dealing with patience. So I will continue to pray on this matter and practice this overtime. I am in a situation dealing with having to wait for things I know can be waited on and are really only a want, not a need. Separating the two and focusing will help a great deal. I've accepted that this is a healing process and that it will not happen over night. I also understand that this is something that I apply daily and not allow my selfish side to take control and start demanding what it is I'm not wanting to patient for. In some instances by me not waiting and rushing the matter, the results didn't turn out as I would have liked or as they could have if I had only been patient and allowed things to take its course. With my growth in having patience, I'll also grow in other areas as well. I'll grow in patience, not being selfish, understanding, expectance, using my time creatively, along with other things that can help me within my recovery. Knowing that learning and growing in one things, enhances other skills and really gives you the feeling of success and teaching a goal which makes all the ups and downs worth going through and not in vain.

Sometimes there is a cause for making excuses, maybe there was a doctor's apointment that you had to go to, that's a good excuse, or maybe there had been some type of death or sickness in your family. Those issues that I've just mentioned are good excuses. It is not good to make an excuse, and it may not be accepted because you've worn your welcome out by making too many excuses. It is good practice to always try to follow through with whatever you have to do, even if you don't feel like doing it.

Sometimes when you have something to do and don't feel like doing it, once you get started it may make you feel better in the long run, and it'll be completed and you don't have to worry about going back to it later on. That's a good thing! You may also think that your procrastinating is all right, but it's not, because it only boils down to the fact that you're just trying to make excuses for something you know other purpose then for me to tell a lie later on. Cause I've experienced that when a person runs out of excuses they're stuck to other things, such as lying, so it's best that you try to refrain from making excuses.

Everyday in my wing women use the term "you're the devil" too loosely when speaking out against some one they're having an argument with. That is not a good way of speaking out toward any one. Speaking out for a good cause would be a positive form of expressing your concerns, hopes, dreams ideas, emotions. I feel that one must choose if what they are going to say will be helpful to the hearer or harmful. People today say all kinds of nasty things about people through books, newspapers, lawsuits, answering machines, letters, arranged meetings. People speak out when nobody is even talking to them. That can cause more harm than good. I have seen people killed for speaking about something that had nothing to do with them.

Wars are started; homes are broken; lives are taken; children are marked for life. Words are very powerful today. We should examine our motives for our words of speaking out, choose words that heal and comfort. When we speak we also need to take time to listen at times. People don't care what you are speaking out about.

When the preacher preaches his own people don't care what he is preaching on. They just wish to go, and ask why did he have to talk so long and what was he talking about in the first place. Some groups speak out about subjects that affect life communities. It can be positive and also negative due to the fact some can result in people going to jail, or even killed. Christian is even killed when speaking out about the love of Christ. Words can be very powerful; they can cause death or life.

Husbands and wives sometimes hurt one another with the words they use when speaking out. We should choose our words very carefully when we are upset or angry. Taking a walk to cool off canb be very helpful to those you are upset with. Anger can cause you to say mean hateful words that you really don't mean. You cannot take words back once they are said. They can really cause harm to the hearer.

Maintaining a job that only paid minimum wage was nothing to raise my children on. Everyone told me to give it up. "It's hard on you," they said, but I was determined to have a better life for my children than I had when I was growing up. I had to admit that it was very hard on me at first, sometimes I just wanted to say "the hell with it," but when I look into my children's eyes, I knew that they deserve to have the things that every normal family had, but most of all I would give them a special gift that money could not buy, and that special gift was love. But I also showed them even at their young ages that anything was possible when you have a goal in your sight. Never give up, always remember that you and only you can make a difference in your life. Never give up and never quite, because we only have one life and we should live it to the fullest and never let anyone or anything come between you and your dreams.

Unfortunately, I never walked in cap and gown at the ceremony that was held at the school, because I came to Virginia and I got into some trouble. I'm now serving time in a women's prison, but that doesn't change my goals to become a nurse. Upon my release I plan to return to nursing school and graduate, become a nurse, and do what I always loved to do, help people..

Until then I'm aiming for another goal, and that goal is to receive my G.E.D., and I'm not going to stop until I walk across that stage and receive my diploma. Therefore, my advice to anyone who feels as though they should give up or quit doing something that they really wanted to do...Never Quit! Never give up. Keep your goals in the grips of your hands and always hold on tight to them because your dreams are waiting on you to come true.

Goal: The purpose toward which one is working; an objective.

y personal opinion for having a goal is for people who want them. Nevertheless, they are needed if there are certain things in life that one would like to accomplish for them. For instance, me acquiring my GED is very important to me. It will help me to provide for not only myself, but for my child also, in a lot of different ways.

Once you have your mind set on what it is you want out of life, you have to figure out what you can do to help you achieve and reach your goal. Which at times can be very confusing if you don't have proper help.

Now people may have various reasons for the goals they want to achieve. Some want to lose weight, some want a GED, buy cars, houses, open their own business, even prepare them for having children. If you are planning to have children, you have their welfare to think about. How you're going to keep them fed, keep them in good health the best you can. You also have to consider them being clothed as they grow. Children tend to grow faster than we would like for them to grow.

With having children you have to arrange for them to go to day care when they become of age. As they become teenagers, you have college to consider for them so you have to set a goal to figure out how you are going to pay for the child to go to college.

However, you have short-term goals to consider which doesn't take long for you to complete. You might want to take a typing class so you may sharpen up on your typing skills for a job that requires your typing skills to be more than average. If you want to work in a business or even have your own business, you have to receive a degree in Business Management.

If you need a building to rent for business, you have to make arrangements for rental or to buy, then there are arrangements for that. Having to set your own goals, regardless of how short or long they are, it still must be taken care of. You may tend to become a little frustrated while achieving your goals.

Some days you may not even feel like doing anything other than breathing. But always remember if you get side tracked to never give up on yourself or your dreams. Always remember you don't have to look at it, or even handle it, as your goal -- more of an obligation to yourself. Respect your goals and love them as you would your lover. Cherish it like you would your child, cat, or dog. You have to take good care of yourself in life, and what better way to grow and prosper than to achieve the goals that you have set for yourself, in order to have the life that you truly desire.

Goals in my life are just as I have opinioned them.

I couldn't answer that question. I sat there for hours and hd come to to realize who I was. I'm a child of God, a daughter, mother of two beautiful children, a son that's 21 years old, daughter that's 17, wife of a handsome man that I'm very proud to know. I know I'm a giving person and very trust worthy. To put a damper on all those good qualities that I had realized about myself is that I don't love myself at all. I thought I was the ugliest woman in the world! I realized why I felt the way I did about myself. The reason why I didn't love myself and that I thought I was the ugliest woman alive was because I was sexually molested by my grandfather and raped at 13 yuears old, along with being mentally abused. Even though I went through all that at very young age, I slept around with men to see if I could feel and find love and to see if I could love myself. All I found is that I was very miserable, very lonely, and very empty inside.

The results of sleeping around were that I became pregnant with my twenty-one year old son. His father didn't want him or me. That made me feel even worse because I ruined my son's life as well as my own.

I ruined my life because of getting pregnant. I quit school, which in turn caused me not to be able to care for my son. I let my mother take care of him until I got myself together. I met a woman named Annett, and she let me move in with her. I started working cleaning newly built houses.

I made some bad choices in my life that as a result brought me to prison. Because I had been a follower, this wasn't a pleasant thing for me. I allowed people to walk over the top of me. I didn't really realize it was happening until my best friend Carolyn Dean brought it to my attention. She said I had to change and get some backbone and speka up for myself; be a leader and not a follower. One month later I started being that new person. I began to love myself because of three beautiful people in my life, two of my best friends and my Lord and Savior. It took thirty-eight years for me to really realize who I really was.

Every morning I get up at 4:00 am to go to breakfast and I come back, get on my bed and do my meditation, and watch Joyce Meyer for one (1) hour. I then get up and get ready for work or school, it depends on what day it is.

Today, I'm the woman I've always wanted to be...

I grew up in a family that has always showered me with a lot of positive influence, support, and most of all lots of love. I would have never imagined that I would be away from my family and my children for six years. I can honestly say the hardest part of this tragic situation was giving birth to a child while you are incarcerated, then having to deliver your child while you are handcuffed to a hospital bed. Giving birth to my baby boy under these circumstances has really made a strong impact in my life. There are many milestones that I have missed in the past months. My daughter's first day of cheerleading practice, my second boy's first day at pre-school, and my baby boy's first steps.

Even though I conbsider coming to the penitentiary the gravest tragedy of all, there have been many positive experiences that I can apply to my life beyond these cement walls. For one, I've learned to humble myself a great deal. I've also learned that you have to sometimes be broken in order to be put back together, a more positive determined person. This environment that I lived in the last nineteen months has made me appreciate every day that much more. It has made me value myself, my time and my loved ones that much more.

The lessons I have learned from this tragic ordeal are now considered life long lessons that will help me prosper. I have grown up quite a bit while I have been incaracerated. You learn a lot about other people, about life in general. I've learned how to deal with each day of my life accordingly. Last but not least, I have learned that no one is perfect and we are entitled to make mistakes. We can also learn from our mistakes so we will not repeat them.

Speaking for myself, I don't have a high school diploma, however I am currently pursuing that. I started off in the LIP class, then progressed to Pre-GED. My ultimate goal is to go on to the GED class and earn my GED certificate/diploma. After I achieve that I can progress on to a vocational course or even College courses.

My reason for having these goals is because it is important to me, my education and my future are important to me. I know that it doesn't matter how old you are, you are never too old to learn or to pursue your education. I want something out of life and I am determined to achieve that.

Reading is a major part of education. A lot of people in today's society cannot read beyond elementary school level, if that. It's sad but true. Reading, or should I say being able to read is very important. It's almost necessary to get you through life. Speaking for myself, I am not a perfect reader, but at least I am trying and I am learning more and more each day.

I can't really stress enough how important it is to get an education. Throughout my life I have seen numerous people quite school and just give up obtaining their education. As a result of that it leads these people to steal, rob, and obtain money illegally. That was the only way they knew. They couldn't find employment anywhere due to their lack of education and lack of knowledge of how to go about gaining employment.

I have also seen people go back to school and turn their life around. That was their inspiration for me. I know that I am somebody and that I can make something of my life and myself. True, I did quit school, but at least I woke up and realized that without an education, I'm not going to have anything. That's why I have decided that it's time for change. I started out by getting through the LIP program and now I am working my way through pre-GED class. Then I will attend GED and achieve my diploma. After that I can look forward to vocational and college courses, which will play a major part in my career that I will have. Sure, it's a long process, but you have to crawl before you can walk, and all it's going to cost me is my time, some hard work, and determination. And that's the best part, education is FREE! They have all kinds of grants and free GED classes that they offer. You don't have to pay for anything. All they want you to have is a desire to learn. You can believe me when I tell you this. I'm sure that there is nothing more satisfying than to walk across that stage in your cap and gown to accept your diploma. Then you can say, "I did it!"

In closing I would just like to ask you to stop and think. Think about where you're at now at this point in life. Are you where you want to be? Or do you know that you have potential to be where you want to be. If you would just make the effort. If you're one of these people who are constantly saying "I should go back to school," what's stopping you? You could be missing out on a lifetime of advantages and opportunities. I know that you've heard the saying a hundred times, but if you actually listen to what it's saying, it is so true: "a mind is a terrible thing to waste" and "failure is the opportunity to try again." Think about it, what do you have to lose? Nothing, but you have so much to gain!

My first step on "When to Stop" is based on my attitude, and temper. I had an "I don't care" attitude. About: LIFE, SELF, DAY-TO-DAY living, and MY PAST. Which played the biggest part of my temper and attitude. The life that I've lived so far has not been the greatest; but I've come this far. And I am living. I've always thought the rest of my life would not become of anything. I've never had dreams for the rest of my life being. Today, I'm always dreaming of a beautiful life for my son.Day'Quan and myself. Coming to prison has mde my dreams come in effect for me. It's also made me stronger in believing in Jesus, myself, faith, and hope. It has also given me acceptance for myself and my past. Acceptance for loving myself, changing old self to new self. My day-to-day living was like living in hell. My anger had the best of me. It was unamanageable.

I really can't say that my life is manageable now. But I can say that my life is stable -- that my anger is under control. I've forgiven myself of my past as well as forgiven others. I'm happy, at peace, and I've allowed myself to change. If you want to stop being the old you, then my advice to you would be forgive yourself and others from your heart. Accept your change and take one day at a time. Be patient with yourself and others. Always stop and think. Remember to be YOU. Don't ever stop loving yourself. There's no one else best qualified to be you! There are things that I still have to work on. And it'll take time as well as making the right decision everyday. When to stop is a thinking process on your thoughts. It was a very fearful move for myself, but if you really want to stop, don't give up on wanting it if you do something that you're working on, trying to stop. It's not going to come, or happen, overnight. Don't beat yourself up over simple mistakes. Just focus on you and don't think that you haven't made a change because you made a mistake. We can make mistakes, and making mistakes only makes you and I stronger.

When I feel overwhelmed with my responsibilities I stop everything I'm doing and thinking and take a time out. I sit in a quiet place and clear my mind. I erase the prior events, conversations, and demands. I make a list of "things to do" and prioritize them. By doing this I still feel in control of an unctrollable situation. I list what is the most important task at hand and work on accomplishing it. When that is completed, I work on the second one, and so on. By doing this, everything is done and I'm not so stressed out.

People stress me out when they have minor problems that can be solved by simply sitting down, going over the situation, and finding a solution. People make things difficult for themselves. They don't stop and think things through. They make hasty decisions and stressful consequences follow. All of this could have been avoided by just stopping and thinking before reacting. People and situations can be very stressful.

The way taht I deal with unctrollable situations that I can't find a solution to, I turn it over to my higher power that I choose to call "GOD." I put faith and trust in him to find the right answer. This relieves a lot of unavoidable stress. I give him a lot of my problems, like problems on the outside that I have no control over and just believe and have faith.

The most stressful time in my life was coming to a maximum security prison for women and entering a therapeutic community for my addiction. My addiction is something that I'm very ashamed of and I don't want to discuss with anyone, but I'm forced to open up and share my most intimate thoughts and feelings with complete strangers. This is very hard for me and it's stressful. I know that I have to open up and let people help me if I want to succeed in this program and at my recovery. When painful events surface, I really have to stop and process my feelings in order to get through them. Sometimes I get angry, and I cry. For me crying reduces a lot of stress and it releases many built up emotions and is very cleansing for the soul. Dealing with the things that I've done during the cycle of my addiction brings many different emotions and feelings. I've learned to sit through them and process them in a healthy way.

If all else fails, I just go in my room and put my face in my pillow and just scream.

For example the calm quiet that can be created between two people when they are in each other's presence and yet do not speak. This allows for many windows to be opened in your mind and can allow your thoughts to create a pleasant vibe to the other person. It then becomes a radiation process. Your body becomes like a vessel that allows your thoughts and emotions to flow and give you a sense of peace from within.

To me silence is to be considered as a gift that no one can give you but yourself and if you use the time that you may spend in silence, then you are allowing yourself to make your mind strong. So to me silence is a gift. It is a force and can be powerful. There are no limitations as to where it can take you.

Sometimes when I find that I have spent a lot of time without watching my television or listening to my walkman my thoughts just start coming at me all at once. To me it has often been a very painful experience for me. One major example that I have experienced in that aspect is when I have went to segregation and was in isolation. That is when I most definitely did not like spending time alone in complete silence. Also I think that it is very sensible to say that too much of anything is not always good. There should always be a balance.

No one should completely isolate themselves from the world or iteractions with others, because to me it can create one to feel a lot of negative emotions. Such as loneliness, worthlessness, being suicidal, boredom, worry, stress, fear, and so on. These are the things that can come from spending too much time alone in silence. Also words left unsaid between those two people involved in a relationship can be considered to me to be creating difficulties between those two people, and can very much leave the relationship between those two people in danger of the relationship being destroyed.

Now as to a work on a relationship between you and your boss, I think this could cause serious problems with you and your boss at your work place. People are not mind readers. So it is not safe to assume anything involving others because in this aspect that I am now talking about, communication is the key and you could go very far in life if you know how to use your communication skills in the right way. So there is no room for silence in that aspect.

Silence can bring peace and sometimes may cause confusion. Silence is just what it is: universal.

Sabotage means to me it is when someone does something to themselves to stop from accomplishing the task that's put in front of them or myself.

For myself, the reason that I sabotage myself all the time is that sometimes I do not believe that I'm good enough or smart enough to go forward.

I have been in class now for nine years and a few months. I started out having only a five point four and it took me this long to get nine point three. I have taken my Pre-GED three times, and my GED twice, and I missed it by thirteen points. Since then, I have taken my TABE test two more times, and the last time I panicked on the fifty-minute time limit.

The reason is that I did not look at the start and ending time that my teacher put on the board. When the teacher came by to show me that I only had twenty-five minutes left, I realized that I was not even halfway done with the math so started marking anything to make sure that I didn't leave any questions unanswered. If only I would have looked at the time, I would have done a lot better.

Now on my test before, it was my spelling test, and that stopped me from taking the Pre-GED, this time it was my math.

It seems to me that I always do something to stop myself from passing any of the tests that I have to take no matter how easy or hard it is there should be no reason why I could not pass any of the tests that I take.

The more I talk to my friend about what I do to myself from making it, the more I find different things that I come up with and how I sabotage myself.

All right I'm going to be straight up about it. I think that one might be that I don't want to lose the six hours that I get from school; another one would be that I am scared to walk across the stage and not have anyone to support me. These are just a few things that I believe makes me sabotage myself.

When I am able to face my fears and know that I am good or smart enough then I will be able to stop sabotaging myself. I am going to stop sabotaging myself and walk across that stage. In the Webster's Dictionary sabotage mens: sabot, wooden shoe; from damage done to machinery by sabots (deliberate destruction of machines, etc. by employees in labor disputes or of railroads, bridges, etc.)

Death sares me. I know that we all have to die some day, but the not knowing when and how frightens me. It could happen at any given time or any given moment. Just the unexpectancy of where and the thought of leaving loved ones scares me.

My biggest fear was when I found out my daughter and sister had been in a car accident. I was afraid that both of them were seriously hurt or dead.

It happened one Easter morning four years ago. Early that morning I received a phone call from my sister Dale. I had been told that my daughter, Tesha, was in labor. Tesha was nine months pregnant and past her due date, so I had been anticipating a phone call from her telling me it's time, just didn't know when. I got the call about five fifteen Easter morning, telling me to meet them at the hospital. I was told M.U.S.C., which was closer to where I was living. So I asked why they hadn't taken her to Trident Hospital, since it's the closest hospital to her? She then said, "She didn't trust the doctors at Trident. So meet her at M.U.S.C."

I woke my other daughter up to tell her about her sister and she wanted to go with me. So we both got ready and went to the hospital. When we arrived at the hospital, we went directly to the maternity ward to the delivery room When we reached the maternity ward, we asked for Tesha. Immediately the nurses started to whisper. They were saying, "Oh my God, they don't know." So we asked again. One of them came closer to the desk and said, "You have to speak to the doctor." Immediately fear gripped me. I thought she lost the baby.

When the doctor came to see me she told me there was a very bad accident. I asked her, "Where is my daughter and sister?" The doctor then told me to come with her. She took us to the Trauma Unit where only I was allowed to go in.

I was so afraid to look behind the curtain. It took me a moment to compose mysel, but I finally did. There was my sister lying there badly bruised and bloody. From head to toe. There must have been ten doctors and nurses working to save her life. I told her everything would be all right.

I then asked, "Where is my daughter?" The doctor called me out in the hallway. There she told me that Tesha wasn't at M.U.S.C. She was at Trident and that I would have to wait until I got there to find out how she was.

When I arrived at Trident, I went to the information desk and asked for Tesha. The receptionist told me I would have to talk to the doctor. Then she sent us to a very small waiting room with facial tissue in every corner throughout the room.

At this time I'm thinking my child is dead. A few minutes later came three people. They introduced themselves. One a doctor, priest, and a coroner. The doctor asked me to please have a seat. But I didn't want to sit down. So she continued. She just came out and said, "I'm sorry your daughter is dead."

I dropped to my knees. I couldn't breathe, couldn't cry, I just screamed, no, no, no it can't be true. "Let me see my child," I said. "What about the baby?" I asked her.

While she was taking me to see Tesha she was telling me Tesha had a boy. "E.M.T.'s had to deliver the baby on the scene of the accident." She said.the baby went twenty-three minutes without oxygen to the brain. So he was brain dead. The doctor suggested that I take him off of life support. Five days later I buried both of them.

There are times today when I get afraid. When I think about how people drive under the influence, I pray that another person never has to go through.

I never really had enough confidence in myself because I only completed ninth grade. I am really putting every effort into getting my diploma now because my son, who is nineteen, who is the only one on my mother's side of the family to graduate. I couldn't understand the feeling he had because he had graduated and was so happy! I want to feel what he felt. I want my children to look at me and say that they are proud of me.

My daughter is still in school; she is in the sixth grade. I hope she wants to stay in school and get her diploma.

I want to achieve so much because I want to further my education by taking some classes to get my license to become a phlebotomist. I enjoy working in the medical field.

I used to work in a nursing home for three years and I wanted more ... but you can't advance without your diploma. It will give me a feeling I have never had and finally have something I have always wanted!

I show and breed my Jack Russells. They love to run in the races. "Win or lose," they love to do it and they also get lots of love after each race.

I also show in the conformation ring with Flintstone, Badger and Dixie Lou. They just love to walk around and look so handsome and pretty with all the other terriers.

They all have won all kinds of beautiful ribbons. After a long day of showing, we all go home and all ten of my babies love to curl up on the sofa, get some affection, and go to sleep.

I went to work, worked all night, and the next morning I felt like a Mack Truck had run over me!

I didn't know my attackers. The only thing that scared me throughout the ordeal was that I thought I would die. All I could think of at the time was my children and how would my youngest child live without me.

At that point, my challenge began. Now I find myself trying to fight to have charges brought against the guys who beat me up. The only thing that the police department has done is file an assault and battery charge against them. Now, how would you like it if you felt unsafe in your own home by yourself and the people who attacked you got away with it.

This is how I have handled my problem. First, I have been trying to catch my attackers, butevery time I catch them away from their house, they run straight to the police station. In addition, I have warned them that the police will not always be there when they needd them. One day Iwill catch them, and that'smy word. I feel that if the police can't back me on this and give them what they should get, then I would be more than happy to do so.

I do not wish for anyone to think that I am promoting violence, but I do want everyone to know that our legal system does not work for everyone. Sometimes to make yourself feel better, you have to do what you have to do.

My first really sad and hurtful challenges was not living with or being around my family from the time I was eight months old until I was five years old. I've heard many different stories about what had happened and where I was. I really don't know how or why it happened, but I was glad when it was over and I was back with my family. All those years I'll never get back, I have so many years ahead of me.

Another sad and hurtful cahllenges for me was getting over my father's death. I never knew my father when I was growing up. I finally met him when I was thirteen. He lived across the street from my cousin and her family. When we really started getting to know each other, I had to move. I moved to West Virginia, and my father lived in Virginia. He passed away while I was living in West Virginia. My cousin knew it and didn't tell me. That really hurt a lot. He was buried in the family cemeter in West Virginia, just ten miles from where I lived. I didn't learn of his death until two months later. I had to hear it from my mom's brother. Within that two months, my dad's brother passed away, too. I was really mad at my cousin for not telling me. I would have liked to have been there to support my family through that sad time. If I had been thre, then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.

Not all of the changes or challenges in my life have been sad, some of them are happy ones. One happy change in my life was giving birth to my daughter and my son. That was also a challenge for me because raising two kids is really hard, especially when you're doing it by yourself. It is a little easier to do if both parents are involved. I fone parent is absent, then you have to be both mother and father. Another happy challenge in my life was overcoming all the obstacles of mylife and finally settling down with the man I love. We dated for 4 1/2 years and then got married. We've been married for two years now, and I'm really happy. We've been together for a total of six and a half years.

My biggest triump and challenge was completing high school after giving birth to my daughter. Hardly anyone had faiththat I would finish, but I proved them all wrong. I was home with my daughter for the first month and a half; then I went back to school. I graduated with the rest of my class. That was one of the happiest days of my life.

I am trying to overcome another triumph and challenge right now. That is completing the program I am in and getting a great job. I am struggling to do this right now because there are a lot of things going on in my life that are making it difficult to do the things I want to do. So completing this program and gaining the extra skills will be a great triumph for me.

In conclusion, I've had many changes and challenges in my life, some of which still hurt and others that I will cherish forever. I'll never forget the people who made my life happy. I hope that one day I can help others be as happy as I am. I believe that one day those that helped me will get something great in return.

On a warm spring afternoon my life, my world as I knew it, was forever changed. I had suspected something was wrong at home for a long time, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. In the week before, my oldest child had asked me a sexually explicit question that was shocking and alarming. It left me dumbfounded and brought me to the realization that something else was going on. In the time that followed, I had to decide whether to let my children know about my own molestation so that if anything had been or was happening to them, I could stop it, protect them. In the week before when my oldest child asked me what she did, I asked her then if something or someone was hurting her. She was too quick to answer, setting off alarms in my head. I decided that telling my children of my molestation wouldn't harm them but make them aware.

The afternoon was beautiful, a sunny warm spring day. I wait for them outside on the front porch swing, enjoying the breeze, looking at flowers starting to bloom. The bus pulls up, the kids get off, happy to see me waiting there for them. It's a normal afternoon of snack and homework then playtime. After they finish their homework, I tell them that mommy wants to have a talk. I take a deep breath, feeling the tears brewing. I tell them that when I was a little girl someone touched me in a bad way in a place that only the doctor should, and that because of it, mommy was sick in the head and always would be.

At that point my oldest starts to cry, telling me that she doesn't "want to be sick like you, mommy." It is in this moment that my life is completely and utterly changed. I'm then caught in a profound instant, holding my child and telling her that mommy's going to stop what's been happening. I set out to do everything in my ower to protect my children, telling them constantly for the next two months that I loved them, holding them, us together as a family. To this day, I'm still in awe of the courage my daughter had to tell me. It is her courage that empowers me, carries me, and graces me when I want to give up. Her words of "wishing we could all be reborn" resound, and I know that the first year after, we were.

I walk forward, holding on to what is long since backward, carrying with me the sorrows of yesterday passed and the dreams of tomorrow, believing each day is the new day, when everything can change in the blink of an eye. I take to heart the courage of my child, living by her grace, if only to redeem love's great promises of mothers and daughters. She is the ounce of my being, themeaning in my soul. She is my love, my child, and the reason for so manythings. I cling to her as she clings to me. Love's labor is my child, and I, reborn into a new day, a new life.

When sorrow is no longer living with me, when the storm inside passes, when the dawn breaks, when the tears dry, when I see past the blinding rage inside, when the healing is healed, I'll smile and remember when the world wasn't kind to me, when the nights seemed longer than the days. When the story of me isn't so painful to tell, when the tears no longer burn, someday when I'm whole again, these words will be nothing but distant memroies of times passed, dreams shattered.

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Changes in My Life

Raquel had a lot of friends, but according to her, ech one had something wrong with them except for me. We hung out 24-7; you never saw me unless she was around. She introduced me to some friends she knew named Matt, Patrick, and R. J. They were cool but not down to earth as much as Raquel and I were.

Seven months passed. I was getting ready to leave for Pennsylvania. My friendship with Raquel began to get a little shaky because (1) she didn't want me to go, (2) she was having problems at home, and (3) her mom was sick. I really didn't want to go either, but I did anway.

Two days later I got a page on my voicemail saying Raquel was in trouble. I came home three days later and found out that Raquel's mom didn't want us to hang out together anymore. Her mom thought that I had something to do with the troulbe Raquel had gotten herself into. I was allowed one more night to hang out with Raquel, and after that she and I were no more.

For a while, we talked about once a month. We were separated from mind but never from heart. I met new friends later in life. They were just as cool as Raquel but not quite the same. She will never be forgotten.

One day while walking around in my cold, gray world, I met someone who wasn't supposed to be there. I asked him, "Why are you here? What do you want?" He said, "I want you, and I have come to take you with me." I told him I couldn't go, that he must leave, but he wouldn't leave. He was there in my cold, gray world. I tried to leave, but he followed me. He was kind and had a light in his eyes. I tried to run, but he held me fast.

Then something unexpected hapened. My stone cracked. I shed an tear and held on tight. Over time, we talked, and he wouldn't leave my world. I began to feel his heat from his eyes. Then he smiled and my stone broke. I shed a thousand tears. He told me of love, and I wanted it. He told me of happiness, and I needed it. He took my hand, and the sun broke through in my cold, gray world.

We all hope and pray for a great life. We get married and have children, with the hope that they will have a good and happy life, too.

I was a production worker for years. Little did I know how much my life would change. Three years ago, the plant where I had worked for 34 and a half years closed down. They moved the work out of state.

I became a deli worker waiting on customers. I make sandwiches and salads, wash pots and pans, and oh! don't forget the floors. I have had to learn to write on cakes, but I'm not very good at that. My job is a lot of work. I don't do just one thing.

Now I am going to school studying for my GED. My life keeps changing, but my days are happy as I learn.

Before marriage, I lived in Korea with my father, mother, brother, and sister. And I was a teacher. I taught math to middle school for four years. I liked my job and my students, and it was very interesting. In Korea, I could do everything. My life was very comfortable and easy.

After marriage, I came to the U.S. with my husband. He was studying in the U.S. and I wanted to live together with him. When I first came to the U.S., I was afraid of everything. I could not do anything without my husband, because I could not speak English well. So I stayed at home for about two months. When the phone rang, I worried about my speaking. So I only said, "I'm not good at English." When my husband was home, I never answered the phone. I did not like to watch television because I did not understand it well. I needed friends, but my neighbors were foreigners. I felt lonely. My life was uninteresting, and I wanted to return to Korea. I missed my family and my friends, and I often sobbed. So my husband was very worried about me, and he felt badly for me. I thought staying at home was not useful for me and I decided to go outside and try something different. At first, it was difficult for me. For example, when I first went to a market, I was very embarrassed. It was difficult to find some items. When I paid, the clerk said, "Do you have a penny?" I did not know that a penny is a cent. So I was at a loss for what to do. Fortunately, a kind woman helped me. She paid a penny for me. After that experience, I started to adapt myself to new circumstances. I began to go shopping without my husband. At the store, when a clerk came to me I would say, "I'm just looking around." I also made friends with a few people. Unfortunately, as soon as I maade new friends I had to move to a new city (Charlottesville). At first I thought that the two cities were similar. Living in the new city turned out to be very difficult for me. I had to adapt myself to new circumstances again. So I began to look for other Koreans, but it was difficult making new friends. Next I looked for English classes. After a few days, I found an English class with the help of my husband, and I began to study English. It was helpful for me. I made friends with my classmates and they helped me.

To tell the truth, I am afraid of living in the U.S. now, because my English is still poor, and legally I can not have a job. Nevertheless, I love my life and I am very happy. I will try to think positively about my life and try new things. I believe my life will be better and better.

Now I am pregnant. Maybe I will have a baby in May. After that, my life will change again. I do not worry about it. I am pleased to see that my life changes, and I anticipate a successful life in the U.S.